I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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