My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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