I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
