I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
