oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
