I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
