Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just found a bag of teeth...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
