I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
