I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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