yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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