I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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