Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
