New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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