my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
