WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize