this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
