dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
