FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
