i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
