Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
