I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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