foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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