sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
