I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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