I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
