I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
FUCK WHALES
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
