apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
