your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
