hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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