Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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