Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
