when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
