Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
