I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
wow bdsm is so cute
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize