Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
