Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
