Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
