Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
