Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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