one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
