Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
