Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
