drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
