I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
