i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize