I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
someone owes me an orgasm
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
