you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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