btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize