How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
