hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
