When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
