So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
