Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No more Irish car bombs ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
