I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize