I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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