The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
