please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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