just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
