My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
