Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The uberlube is also flammable
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
