im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
