things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
