Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
