Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
